Regresamos

In exactamente one week, I will be on an ADO bus somewhere between Mexico City and Oaxaca. The reality of my summer plans didn't really hit until about 2 days ago, about an hour after I finished taking the MCAT. Anyone who knows me well knows that I internalize stress in strange ways and become a grumpy recluse (Katie Buetow is a saint for putting up with this for 3 years). I was so wrapped up in periodic motion and acid-base chemistry that I forgot to appreciate being home. As part of my denial-about-leaving-in-a-week routine I've imagined 294 things that could go wrong before I get to Oaxaca. I'm realizing how much of my study abroad experience was defined by Team Puebla '10 and the sense of security that comes with group travel. I could fall asleep on the bus without worrying about my neighbor stealing my bag (although Erica is quite the clepto). We could vent in English and always had built-in taxi buddies.

In contrast, this is very much a solo adventure. I am a planner at heart and like to have control over the future. Accepting that I don't in this situation is killing me. I vaguely know that my host mom is named Mercedes and that I'll be working with Puente a la Salud Comunitaria, a public health organization with a focus on nutrition education. Aaaaand that's about it.

I might end up handwashing my laundry. I don't know.
I might end up learning some indigenous languages. I don't know.
I might end up with more free time that I've had since I was in kindergarten. I don't know.
I might end up searching out internet in strange places, like McDonalds. I don't know.

Despite my scattered worrying, I'm terribly excited. I'm excited for street markets, elotes, buses, ridiculously painted buildings, and Mexican Spanish. I'm excited to move at ahorita pace, to have freetime, to get my Spanish fluency on, and maybe to learn something about myself.

As Capt. Jack Sparrow would say, “But WHY is the year gone?!?!?”

Today is officially the end of my junior year. I have spent all my Flex Points, turned in all my finals, and re-hung the drab Lewis curtains in my room. All that's left to do is decide what goes home for the summer and what gets to stay in South Bend. This biannual process of condensing my life never seems to prevent me from accumulating a whole lot of silly things that "might just come in handy". I am such a Wassmuth… Today also begins the awkward process of saying good bye to people "in case I don't see you again before you leave." I will inevitably see most of these people at least three more times before either of us actually rolls out of campus, but we say good bye just in case. I'm trying to push the reality of the upcoming senior year and inevitable graduation to the back of my mind, while gradually accepting that next year is going to fly by. I guess the key is to appreciate every day as it comes and not miss the present by looking too much to the future.

And in complete contradiction to what I just claimed, the next few weeks are going to be all about the future. I not only am supposed to be "personally stating" in a medical school application essay, but also completing a convoluted application and taking the dreaded MCAT. I'm trying not to complain because it's all just part of the process, but I can't actually say that it's fun either.

As I walked out of my final final about half an hour ago, my professor shook my hand and handed a copy of this prayer attributed to Pedro Arrupe, SJ. I'm usually skeptical about professors' attempts at a final message to wrap up their class, but this one got me. (In retrospect, I don't know that it's so much a prayer as a statement about life, but I guess God likes those too.) Enjoy.

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, whill affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings.
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.